JAFO

Just Another Effin' Observer

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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

The "Are You A Barking Moonbat?" Quiz

John Hawkins at Right Wing News has posted a quiz for the "Reality-based Community". It's definitely worth checking out.

I am a long-standing sucker for quizzes, the dumber, the better. Not that this one is dumb, you understand; actually, the questions are, by and large, pretty incisive. It's just that I love quizzes. (The ones that show up every so often in the Enquirer -- and no, I flatly refuse to link to that online birdcage liner -- are especially fun. I particularly loved the "The Way You Attack A Salad Bar Reveals Your Personality" quiz. No, wait -- I actually made that one up as a joke, and sent it to them a number of years ago. They didn't publish it; I guess they saw through the gag. Okay, so maybe they're not complete nimrods.)

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to take the quiz here, on my own blog. I copied and pasted the questions, and set them in bold type; my answer follows each question.

1) Do you think a significant percentage of prominent Republicans would secretly like to see the US become a theocracy?
No. To the contrary, I think there is only a vanishingly-small percentage of Republicans, prominent or otherwise, who would have even the vaguest clue as to how to bring such a consequence about. An even more vanishingly-small percentage would even be so inclined. Indeed, the closest thing to a theocracy this country faces at this point in its history is a theocracy based on the Gospel According to... Liberalism.

2) Do you believe it was a mistake to go to war in Afghanistan?
No. I don't think it was a mistake to go to war in Iraq, either. And I don't think it would be a mistake to go to war in Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia, or even France. We have refrained from kicking ass -- it doesn't particularly matter whose -- for too damn long.

3) In your opinion, is it a myth that American soldiers were spit on when they returned from Vietnam?
No. It was not a myth. Every news organization on the planet (CBS, ABC, NBC, AP, UPI, Reuters, etc.) has the photo archives and footage. They should, since they did most of the spitting.

4) Michael Moore's distribution group, Front Row Entertainment, received help marketing "Fahrenheit 9/11" in Lebanon from the terrorist group Hezbollah. Do you believe that was appropriate?
Yes. It was perfectly appropriate, considering that Michael Moore is probably a card-carrying member of Hezbollah.

5) Do you think you can be a patriotic American and support Iraq's anti-occupation resistance?
It depends on exactly who you mean by "anti-occupation resistance". If you mean the people in Iraq who are saying, "Okay, you've done your job, we'll take it from here. You can go home now," then yes, it is possible. If, on the other hand, you are referring to those whack-jobs who are cutting people's heads off and blowing up everyone else in a fifty-yard radius, trying to derail Iraq's upcoming elections, then I don't see how anyone could reconcile those two positions.

6) Do you think there is a significant chance that the capture of Saddam Hussein was timed to help George Bush politically?
No. Some things are simply fortuitous; they happen when they happen. This was one.

7) In your opinion, is there a significant chance that Diebold is rigging elections in order to help the GOP?
No, but anything that helps to offset the Democrats' graveyard/homeless-wino vote cannot be an altogether bad thing.

8) Is George Bush more "evil" than Saddam Hussein?
No. This is a trick question, right? Can anybody be that frickin' stupid? George Bush never fed anyone feet-first into an industrial plastic shredder, did he? I mean, I'm sure I would have seen it on the news if he had, right? Ask Dan Rather; he'd know.

9) In your opinion, is there a significant chance that Republicans rigged some of the Senate races in 2002?
With better candidates, better positions on the issues, more effective GOTV efforts...? I know a few leftists who might call that "rigging" the election. As for myself..., no.

10) Was Ingrid Newkirk right when she said, "There is no rational basis for saying that a human being has special rights. A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. They're all mammals"?
Ingrid Newkirk is a 24/7 idiot. She is never right about anything. Ever.

11) Is there any nation in the world that's more of a force for good than the United States?
Not in the last 80 years or so, no. In fact, I'd be hard-pressed to nominate a candidate from before that time, as well.

12) In your opinion, is the US a "stingy" country?
Another trick question, right? The American people are the most supremely generous people who have ever lived. We are blessed in so many ways, and we rejoice in sharing those blessings. We don't even particularly care who receives those blessings. (We would appreciate a polite -- and sincere -- 'Thank you' now and then, however....)

13) Is there a significant chance that America will become a fascist state in let's say the next 10 years?
Only if the Left takes over the reins of government. Then all bets are off.

14) Do you think there's a significant possibility that liberals will be rounded up and put into some sort of camps in let's say the next 10 years?
I don't see it happening, but it's a nice fantasy.

15) Is America an imperialist nation in your opinion?
An "imperialist nation" -- no. An "imperial power" -- yes. And it's high time we acknowledged that reality and started to act like one.

16) Do you think "losing" in Vietnam was good for America?
No, on a number of levels. 1) It caused the world's tyrants and thugs to stop taking us seriously; 2) It made us too risk-averse to be effective in the world's dust-ups for far too long; 3) It convinced the Left that they were right -- and they were not right then, and they are not right now.

17) Are you sometimes ashamed to be an American?
Never. To the contrary, I'm a flag-waving, anthem-singing, hat-doffing, hand-over-the-heart, utterly unrepentant American, and if you have a problem with that, Francois, then -- what's French for "I wish Eisenhower had landed in Belgium"?

18) Do you think it's wrong for the President to put the welfare of Americans ahead of the welfare of people in other countries?
Certainly not; that's his job, for God's sake! He is, after all, the President of the United States. Or didn't you get that memo?

19) Do you see significant, noteworthy, parallels between America and Nazi Germany?
Yes, but not in the way you think. I recommend that you pick up a copy of The Ominous Parallels, by Leonard Peikoff; it will scare the crap out of you, even if it is a bit dated.

20) In your opinion, was Iraq primarily a "war for oil"?
No. Iraq was, in my view, a war to put the fear of God into a bunch of Middle-East despots and thugs -- and if it convinces the Euro-weenies to be a bit more circumspect around us, then so much the better.

21) What about Afghanistan? Was that primarily a "war for oil" as well?
No, that was vengeance, pure and simple. With a little "Thou shalt not fuck with a superpower" thrown in for good measure.

22) Do you think it's likely a draft will be declared by the end of George Bush's term?
A draft ain't gonna happen. And may I point out that the only ones who actually introduced legislation in Congress to reinstate the draft were... Democrats.

23) Do you think Iraq was preordained and planned before 9/11 ever took place?
Probably. At least since 1998, when Congress passed, and then-President Clinton signed, a resolution making "regime change" in Iraq official U.S. policy.

24) In your opinion, is sleep deprivation a form of torture?
A college student cramming for finals probably doesn't think so; a college student trying to sit through a three-hour lecture the morning after an all-night kegger might.

25) Would you prefer that we lose in Iraq?
No. On the contrary, I think we should prosecute the war far more aggressively than we now are.

26) Do you believe anyone who goes to Afghanistan or Iraq as a soldier is fighting for an evil cause under an evil commander in chief?
No.

27) Was Michael Moore correct when he said, "There is no terrorist threat in this country. This is a lie?"
Two-part answer: 1) Micahel Moore is an idiot; 2) Michael wasn't in lower Manhattan on September 11, 2001; I was. Trust me, there is a terrorist threat. I saw it from my office window.

28) Is there in your opinion a significant chance that the Bush administration either was behind 9/11 or knew it was coming and allowed it to happened?
No and No.

29) Do you think there is a significant possibility that the Bush administration had a hand in Paul Wellstone's death?
No. Now, if you asked if I thought there was a possibility that Hillary Clinton had a hand in Vince Foster's death, again I would say 'No'. I do, however, think there is a possibility that White House staffers, under Hillary's instruction, moved Foster's body from his office, and tidied up afterward. (Why else would they keep the police out of his office for so long? What were they doing in there? Cleaning the carpet, perhaps?)

30) Do you believe that somebody rigged the vote in Ohio during the 2004 Presidential election?
No, but you can't blame the Kerry campaign for trying. Well, actually, I guess you could, the incompetent boobs.

31) In your opinion, do you think there is a significant chance that the Bush administration was behind the anthrax letters that were mailed out to some members of the media and US Senate?
No. No-one in the Bush Administration writes that sloppily. (Check out the addresses on those letters. A four-year-old with carpal-tunnel has better penmanship!)

32) Had George Bush lost the election, do you believe there was a significant chance Republicans would have thrown a coup?
No. Republicans may not be particularly graceful losers, but when they lose, they at least recognize that fact and accept it. (Let's see just one Democrat try that shtick.) I don't even think the Republicans would have pulled Barbara Boxer's silly-ass stunt.

33) Do you believe there's a significant chance that Karl Rove or someone else in the Bush administration had something to do with the last minute appearance of the Bin Laden tape right before the Nov. 2nd election?
No. I think bin Laden did this on his own, in a desperate effort to make himself relevant again. Hey, that al-Zarqawi scumbag was hogging all his press; he had to do something.

34) Do you believe comparisons of George Bush to Hitler are appropriate?
Comparisons of Bush to Hitler are not only ludicrous, they vividly illustrate a person with no sense of perspective, an abysmal ignorance of history, and an all-around -- here I go again -- idiot.

35) Do you think Communism could work if the right people were running it?
Communism cannot work, no matter who is running it. That is its fundamental problem: someone has to run it; because the people, acting according to their nature as rational (nod to Ingrid Newkirk) animals, will always act in their own self-interest, with survival as their primary objective. They will never, in the absence of coersion, sacrifice their own self-interest to the interests of others. (And to pre-empt that old canard about a father -- or mother -- sacrificing his/her life for a child, the survival of a child is in the parents' self-interest, you ignorant twit, both culturally and genetically. So there.)

36) Do you believe that black Americans who support and vote Republican are betraying their race?
On the contrary, I believe that black (or any other ethnic) Americans who insist that black (or any other ethnic) Americans who vote Republican are betraying their race are the ones doing the betraying.

37) Do you think people who say Al-Qaeda doesn't exist are right?
Thanks to Bush and the military, they are closer to being right than ever before, and getting unrelentingly closer. This, I would argue, is a Good Thing.

38) Are the insurgents in Iraq roughly comparable to Americans who fought against the British in your opinion?
Not even close. The Revolutionists of 1775-1781 were fighting for independence; they were fighting to create a new country. The "insurgents", on the other hand, are fighting to create chaos. Where, pray tell, is the "insurgents'" Declaration of Independence?

39) Do you believe Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur was correct when she said, "One could say that Osama bin Laden and these non-nation-state fighters with religious purpose are very similar to those kind of atypical revolutionaries that helped to cast off the British crown"?
I believe that Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur's constituents need to stop voting by reflex; this woman is an idiot. (I do seem to love that word, don't I?)

40) Do you believe there's a significant chance that the US Government knows where Bin Laden is and is deliberately allowing him to remain free?
Does the government know where he is? It's possible. Is the government deliberately allowing him to remain free? Not bloody likely. Unless you subscribe to the belief that, if we do reel him in, a large portion of the American populace will say, "Okay, we got him. War's over. We won. Stand down." So let me amend that last answer: not likely, but possible. For the aforementioned reason -- because that "unless" is entirely too possible. Unfortunately.

Hope I get an A.

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